But what happens when venting is the source of a negative thought life in which a wife constantly thinks of how her husband fails or disappoints her?
When married women get together, even Christian married women, it’s common for one of them to eventually vent about a husband. He’s no longer romantic. He’s too bossy, too busy, never listens, won’t ever change. Her venting is not necessarily malicious; at times it’s an effort to articulate some of the frustrations of what makes married life hard. And in a Christian circle, the hope is that her cohorts will both empathize with and encourage her in a way that edifies her marriage.
But what happens when venting is the source of a negative thought life in which a wife constantly thinks of how her husband fails or disappoints her? Many women don’t realize the danger of such thinking until it’s too late. When I struggled with this in my own marriage, the result was disillusionment, and I questioned more than once why I ever got married in the first place.
Ironically, God used that very question to remind me of what His word says about our thoughts. Philippians 4:8 instructs us to think on whatever is true, noble, right, pure, lovely, admirable, excellent or praiseworthy. This command is applicable even in marriage, and was instrumental in changing mine. I was made to remember all that I loved about my husband in the beginning, then to continue building him up by further ruminating on his good qualities. As opposed to seeing him through the unforgiving lens of how well he did or didn’t meet my expectations, I began to see him again as the man of God I married—a man who had not changed nearly as much as my thoughts had accused him of changing.
No one is perfect, and not many marriages can withstand the incessant scrutiny of a spouse’s imperfections. Such scrutiny leads to excessive arguing and conflict, the third leading cause of divorce, and results in us "villainizing" the one we should be bolstering.
So, while it’s natural in the flesh to vent our complaints about our husbands, it’s necessary to let the Spirit lead us in gracious reflection of why he was—and still is—the one.
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This is a very good message. I felt convicted and it helped to remind me that our husbands are god’s children too and we must love them as such. If we are not speaking about them to honor god or uplift them, then we should be quiet and pray.